The first good day in so long…

studio1_8162014I woke up today at 7:30 am and emerged from bed without massive pain or weakness.  Darwin was willing to go for a walk with me – his normal reticence to have me go long distances had subsided. (The dog has watched me fall one too many times.)

I was able to move through some other issues – advertised the rooms I have for DSCN5425rent, got flyers printed for Lessons for Luddites, and generally started creeping forward a bit.  Movement was such a blessing after this time of suffering.

By 9:30, I opened up the studio.  Instead of launching into throwing immediately, I started a project that was suggested to me in the spring: I moved some shelves around in the studio to create more room. 10559691_285107358340983_3120328998300752607_n Thankfully, they were all on wheels, so the job wasn’t too onerous.  Still, dusty job and a lot of effort for me right now.

The whole time I worked, I felt like life was more possible, as though this might work out.  There is something very satisfying about getting space in order.  I started daydreaming:  maybe I will be able to pay my bills, perhaps I will be able to heat my house this winter after all.

Before I left for the day, I threw six lovely bowls – at least four of which are for the Blue Heron in Bangor, Maine.  And I kept feeling happy and joyous, right up until I stopped creating.  Suddenly the pain caught up with me, like I was tackled down to the ground.  As I brought in the signs, I realized some checks I was expecting haven’t yet arrived – and won’t be for nearly what I had hoped – and suddenly, anxiety and loneliness began to howl through me again.

Something happens to me when the art ends – I more vulnerable to any form of distress.  Left to myself, I have a huge amount of free floating anxiety and depression rattling around in my brain.  Loneliness – as a friend told me the other day – can become quite an existential problem.  I have to agree.

Still, I am trying to hold the demons at bay by remembering: this was such a good day.  The first good day in so long.

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