Tag: reorganization

The first good day in so long…

studio1_8162014I woke up today at 7:30 am and emerged from bed without massive pain or weakness.  Darwin was willing to go for a walk with me – his normal reticence to have me go long distances had subsided. (The dog has watched me fall one too many times.)

I was able to move through some other issues – advertised the rooms I have for DSCN5425rent, got flyers printed for Lessons for Luddites, and generally started creeping forward a bit.  Movement was such a blessing after this time of suffering.

By 9:30, I opened up the studio.  Instead of launching into throwing immediately, I started a project that was suggested to me in the spring: I moved some shelves around in the studio to create more room. 10559691_285107358340983_3120328998300752607_n Thankfully, they were all on wheels, so the job wasn’t too onerous.  Still, dusty job and a lot of effort for me right now.

The whole time I worked, I felt like life was more possible, as though this might work out.  There is something very satisfying about getting space in order.  I started daydreaming:  maybe I will be able to pay my bills, perhaps I will be able to heat my house this winter after all.

Before I left for the day, I threw six lovely bowls – at least four of which are for the Blue Heron in Bangor, Maine.  And I kept feeling happy and joyous, right up until I stopped creating.  Suddenly the pain caught up with me, like I was tackled down to the ground.  As I brought in the signs, I realized some checks I was expecting haven’t yet arrived – and won’t be for nearly what I had hoped – and suddenly, anxiety and loneliness began to howl through me again.

Something happens to me when the art ends – I more vulnerable to any form of distress.  Left to myself, I have a huge amount of free floating anxiety and depression rattling around in my brain.  Loneliness – as a friend told me the other day – can become quite an existential problem.  I have to agree.

Still, I am trying to hold the demons at bay by remembering: this was such a good day.  The first good day in so long.

transformations

First, i should say: i am not a neat person.  i enjoy a profession where looking like Pig Pen at the end of the day means i have been productive.  When i am dressed up in heels, a suit and (heaven help me) make up, i feel awkward and uncomfortable.  i feel most at ease with myself in yoga pants and t-shirts.  If you enter my house, you will frequently find dishes waiting to be done and dust in the corners.  If not worse.

my dog in a neat studio
My dog in a neat studio

Most of my energy is spent making art.  At the end of the day, i have nothing left.  Too often maintaining a sparkling studio or house just doesn’t rate as a priority. Which probably says something terrible about my character.  But i am what i am.

However, there are spells when my normal comfort with chaos erodes.

i have been transforming my space – getting rid of things, reorganizing others.  This is the third August/September that has involved such a metamorphosis.  My creativity jumps when i enter these restructured spaces, as though chunks of a cocoon have been ripped away, leaving an intoxicating, seductive newness.

Change excites the mind.  Open spaces let my spirit expand.

This week i have been giving thanks that over the past four years my world has become more organized, neater, trimmed of things i do not need or want. Most people would probably be appalled that i am pleased with how things are – for there is still so much mess.  The floors of a pottery studio cannot be made perfect.  i accept the criticism when it finds me; it means they do not know how things were.  Indeed, the poem below describes how things were.  It makes me grateful for what my life has become.

PS: Never fear, i fill the voids i create with more art.