Tag: soul

New Year’s Poem

One year ago,
at nearly this very minute,
i was being rushed
to the hospital.

The bits of me
that were still working
knew i was dying,
and felt grateful
that my suffering
would finally end.

Only, it didn’t.

i survived.

For months,
i was an egg
without a shell,
needing comfort and protection,
crushed by the smallest things,
barely making it through
my obligations.

But my spirit healed.

i have felt more sublime peace
in these past few months
than in the decade before.

It has become the rule,
rather than the exception –
which is why this feels so miraculous.

Today, i have been
unable to focus
on fiction or poem,
on chores or art.
Instead, i have been full
of quiet, thankful prayer.

My bones,
my soul,
have rested
in these thanksgivings.

If i could move
with greater fluidity,
i would be dancing –
but slowly,
gently,
to the rhythm
of my heartbeat,
so this spell
of contentment
would not be shattered
by endless nattering thought.

This moment
is a blessing
i almost didn’t experience.

Tomorrow does not come
with any guarantees.

My entire life
gave me the gifts
that led me to this altar
with three candles lit:
one for Love,
one in gratitude,
and one looking forward,
with eager anticipation,
to the miracle
of another year.

 

 

***

 

Happy New Year,

asha fenn, 1 January 2018

at most half

I just found out from facebook that someone kind and compassionate died and it broke my heart a little.  Certainly enough to set aside my personal panic for a moment and remember the gift of wisdom he had given me.

Probably six years ago, in the middle of a terrible time in my life, he made a huge difference with one sentence.  Sitting in his office, we had discussed the various ways in which my body was unhappy, but then we moved onto my heart.  At the time, messages that I was a terrible person inundated me. The only love I had believed in was being stripped away and I felt worthless. This lead our conversation to memories of people who had hurt me and how I always had this lingering fear that I was actually as terrible as they said – or that I would suddenly become abusive and cruel despite all my efforts to do no harm.  In a way, this cost me having children of my own – for not even my then-husband felt believed I could get past the anchor of biology or that I had anything worth putting forward into another generation. These forces had broken me down. Without judgment, this doctor listened to my worries and fears, and then smiled at me with compassion as great as I have ever known.

“At most half of who were are is from our parents, from our biology – but our soul comes from Spirit.”  I remember that he gesticulated first up toward heaven, then all around us.  Sunlight streamed in through the windows to his right, and his hand passed through them – as though he pointed out the divine permeating everything.  He smiled again, warm as the sun, “Spirit is what makes you who you are.”

With that one sentence, I felt like hope had been poured into me. No longer was I condemned by the past or by DNA. Quite literally, everything about how I thought about my life and myself changed.

And that was one sentence during one appointment.  How many lives did this man change?

Thank you, Dirk.