Tag: stubborn

poem: the story of self

The story of self
has to change.

At first the tale
was all about my family,
the loss and loneliness
and otherness
in which i drowned.

Then the recounting
of marriage lost
took over center stage.
The love i had thought
would last forever
dissolved away,
demanding it had never been,
taking with it
all that i thought i was.

Now,
i need something new
and i do not want
to lead with this grief,
with the pain,
with the failure
of my long loneliness.

Oh, but i don’t want to lie.

So, what do i say?

In this, my eyes are my enemies,
for all i can see
when i look at myself
is an ugly, awkward woman
charging forward
like a bull
while everyone else screams:
“You’re going the wrong way!”
“Haven’t you failed enough?”
“You don’t know what to do!”
“You are going to ruin yourself!”

i know.
It is all true.
My failures,
my ignorance,
the hopelessness of reason
confront me ceaselessly.
i run over the splinters
of shattered dreams
but keep rebuilding them
despite the blood and tears.

Maybe that childhood
made me too desperate,
unable to stop pursuing
that which gives me joy.

Perhaps the divorce
made me incapable
of giving up
on this great passion.

Surely,
the long loneliness
showed me
i can survive
even when i sing alone,
the rest of the world
facing the other way.

So, maybe the story
is that i am the one
who cannot commit
to surrender?
Granted, we have
a serious flirtation going on,
but out of madness,
or out of strength,
or out of faith,
i keep facing the darkness
and moving on.

Even keen knowledge
of my own limitations
has not stopped me
from charging forward
as though they did not exist.

Could it be
that i am one
too suborn to be wise?

25 october 2015

poem: their sputtering ire

Their sputtering ire
means nothing to me.
It flowed right over
and dissolved
into the ground.

Shit has always been
good fertilizer.

For the first time
i can clearly see
the blessing
expressed
by their outrage.

If i had surrendered
my needs
and my reality
to their whim,
contorting myself
into strange shapes
to placate them,
there would be no wrath
raining down
on my head.

But, i did not
sublimate my soul
to their insults.

i pushed back.

i severed ties.

i moved on.

i grew stronger
using the crap
they threw at me
as fuel
for my fire.

Climbing up on the smoke,
i started to reach the sky.

31 october 2015